Office Law
The following Laws Of The Office are hereby set forth in stone by the Three Bald Guys. So it is written, so it shall be.
The 10-Minute Wait Limit Law
Employees who arrive on time for scheduled meetings shall wait no longer than 10 minutes for the remaining scheduled attendees to show up. After that the meeting is adjourned, too bad, so sad, bye-bye.
The Speaker Phone Disturbance Law
No employee shall talk on his or her speaker phone if he or she sits within earshot of other employees. Yes, we all know how cool it is to be able to talk hands-free, but the rest of us really don’t want to hear both sides of your phone conversations. Hearing one side is plenty annoying, thank you.
The Restroom Stall Law Of Silence
While occupying a restroom stall, no employee shall attempt to make conversation with another employee in another stall. It just isn’t done.
The Law Of Weekend Freedom
No employee shall be required to work on designated days off. To paraphrase a popular saying, poor planning on the part of management does not constitute an emergency for us.
The Restroom Cell Phone Law
Employees shall refrain from talking on their cell phones in the restroom. It makes other restroom visitors extremely uncomfortable, and aside from that … do you really want the person on the other end to hear what’s going on in there?
The Garbage In/Garbage Out Law
No employee shall ask another employee to complete a task or project without providing sufficient direction and input. If you say “I don’t know what I want but I’ll know it when I see it,” be prepared to see something you won’t like.
The Fish-Free Microwave Law
No employee shall heat fish or other seafood in the breakroom microwave oven. While we accept that many of the aromas emanating from the break room at lunchtime are nauseating, the smell of microwaved fish is simply intolerable.
The "It Suddenly Stopped Working" Law
When you spill coffee, soda or a fluid of any kind on your keyboard, just fess up in the e-mail to the IT guy. Dont tell him that the keys suddenly and mysteriously stopped working. He is not an idiot and will likely know exactly what happened even before he sees the sticky substance sloshing around between the keys. And most companies will not deduct money from your following paycheck for this less-than-egregious crime. So grow up and tell the truth for once.
The To-Wave or Not-To-Wave Law
If you find yourself driving off after work at the exact same time as a co-worker only to end up side-by-side at a stoplight, the greeting should be based on the relationship. A wave and a smile will suffice for a casual and/or friendly acquaintance. For closer co-worker relationships, any gesture or facial expression is acceptable as long at it is within the boundaries of "good taste," whatever that may be.(Staring awkwardly ahead is satisfactory but not recommended as it will only cause more awkward tension the following day.) To fill in the rest of the wait, fiddle with knobs on the radio, or the buttons on your cell phone, until the light turns green.
The "Go Right!" Law
Everyone has encountered the awkward little dance when walking directly into someone in the workplace hallway. The face-to-face, back-and-forth movements will eventually end, but not without uncomfortable laughter and the awkward “excuse me.” Although, we do not know why two people always choose to go the same way to get around each other, there is a solution. Go right! As long as both people step to the right, the normally time-consuming, blush-inducing situation will be reduced to a simple and efficient maneuver. So remember, go right!
The Intercom Voice Volume Law
When making an announcement over the office intercom, remember, you need not scream. If you were trying to communicate a message to everyone in the building without the microphone, then yes, yelling would be understandable. But you do indeed have the microphone and the necessary wiring so that everyone can hear you directly through the speaker. So talk at a normal, or even low, volume when making an announcement to ensure that you don't scare the pee out of one of your co-workers, or make anyone hate you and your voice more than they probably already do.
The “God Bless You” Limit Law
Co-workers are not obligated to bless more than two of your sneezes per eight-hour workday. And you should not expect more than two “God bless you” wishes per workday regardless of how many sneezes you emit. If you are obviously sick, only one “God bless you” per day is required.
The No Offense Lunch Law
If a co-worker you normally have lunch with starts to bring their lunch, do not take offense. Maybe, they are saving money and/or trying to actually consume all those leftovers piling up in their fridge. Or perhaps, he/she does not like you anymore, in which case, simply move on with your mid-day meal and your life. If you are the co-worker no longer going to lunch with the others, do not be offended when they stop asking. Believe it or not, people are allowed to eat lunch without your prior consent.
The You-Are-Not-Alone Law
Unless you have your own office, stop whistling and or humming at your desk. It is not musical entertainment for those around you, as you might believe. It is grating and rude. If you have got to do something with your mouth, chew some Bubble-Yum. And chew it with your mouth closed. If you can’t, a sock works nicely, too.
The Greeting Obligation Law
When walking down the hallways at work, you are required to greet whomever you pass, whether it be with a respectable head nod, a sociable smile, a simple “Hi,” a relatable statement – “Thank goodness it’s Friday” – or a friendly question – “How are you today?” Even if you pass the same person over and over, you must acknowledge him/her. Trust me, you are not so important that you don’t have the time to lift and/or lower you head for one second in passing.
The You Kill It, You Fill It Law
Any employee who takes the last cup of coffee shall make a new pot immediately. This law is arguably the oldest and most sacred of all Office Laws and doesn’t require any further explanation.